The Hobbit

Once upon a time, in a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit. Not a creepy hole with worms and shit, but a deluxe, pantry-stuffed bachelor pad. Said hobbit, Mr Bilbo Baggins, is the Middle-Earth equivalent of that neighbour who just wants to drink tea, eat second breakfasts, and gossip about who’s trimming their hedges too short. Unfortunately for Bilbo, destiny (and a pushy wizard named Gandalf) has other plans.

So, like, Gandalf shows up one day and basically conscripts Bilbo into an adventure by inviting thirteen dwarves to his house. The dwarves are led by Thorin Oakenshield, a geezer with more hair than patience. They’re on a quest to reclaim their ancestral home from a a gold-hoarding pyromaniac lizard – Um, I mean dragon named Smaug. Bilbo, unable to say no, gets bullied into signing on as their “burglar,” which is hilarious since he’s never stolen so much as a wine gum.

Thus begins a road trip that makes Race Around the World look like a stroll through Costco. Immediately, the company gets into trouble with trolls who think hobbits are bite-sized appetizers. Bilbo tries to pick their pockets, fails spectacularly, but Gandalf swoops in, saves the day, and turns the trolls into stone. This sets the tone for the entire journey: Bilbo tries, chaos ensues, Gandalf bails them out. Repeat.

The group travel on to Rivendell, where elves mock Thorin’s map-reading skills, before wandering into goblin territory. Goblins are basically the Middle-earth version of over-caffeinated, dirty TV cops with a grudge. Bilbo gets separated and stumbles into a skinny, fish-obsessed gremlin named Gollum. “The Precious One” challenges Bilbo to a riddle contest—because apparently murder is rude if you can’t rhyme—and loses. Bilbo escapes, thanks to Gollum’s misplaced jewelry: the One Ring, which just so happens to turn its wearer invisible. (Great for sneaking around or for following a Marauder’s Map. Oops, sorry, wrong book. Ahem.)

The crew continues their misadventures, being rescued by giant eagles (who could have solved literally everything by flying them straight to the mountain, but apparently had scheduling conflicts).

Finally, they reach the Lonely Mountain, where Bilbo is sent in to burgle Smaug. To his credit, he actually holds a decent conversation with the dragon, throwing shade and riddles until Smaug gets annoyed enough to storm off and torch a nearby town. The townsfolk, led by a guy named Bard (who probably just wanted a quiet fishing trip), shoot Smaug with an arrow and kill him. Problem solved, right? Wrong.

Turns out, everyone suddenly cares a lot about the dragon’s treasure. Dwarves, elves, men, even a few stray cousins who “just happened to be in the neighborhood.” Eventually, a ginormous battle breaks out between them all, plus goblins, wolves and eagles (again fashionably late)—basically everyone but the catering staff shows up. Thorin redeems himself by fighting heroically, but then promptly dies. Classic.

Bilbo, realising adventuring is exhausting, sneaks away with a pat on the back and goes home… only to find everyone has auctioned off his stuff because they thought he was dead. But that’s okay—Bilbo has a ring, a story, and just enough tea left to last him the rest of his days.

Moral of the story: never open your front door when a man with a long white beard comes knocking.